A therapist / friend put a name on what I've been going through for almost two years, since it became clear that something was wrong with my Dad. She called it
"anticipatory grief."It's a feeling of loss before a death occurs.
Harriet Hodgson
explains for the American Hospice Foundation how anticipatory grief "has been described as a 'normal process,' but life is far from normal if you're going through it. ... You may have bouts of crying, for example, a symptom that upsets you and those around you. You may hold back your tears because you have to be strong for your loved one. All through the day you have a choked feeling in your throat. Holding back tears takes lots of energy and, before long, you're exhausted."
Symptoms include: denial, mood swings, forgetfulness, disorganized and confused behavior, anger, depression, feeling disconnected and alone, anxiety and dread, weight loss or gain, sleep problems, nervous behavior and general fatigue.
Hodgson cites author Edward Myers' description of a slow decline as being like that of a glacier "massive and unstoppable, grinding you down," (as compared with a sudden death hitting more like an explosion.)
Beth Erickson writes on the Strength for Caring
caregiver Web site about the drawback to witnessing a loved one's slow demise. "As the loved one’s condition worsens, you may grieve with each downturn. You may experience feeling a sense of helplessness as your loved one fights for life. You may feel as if you are living with a pit in your stomach that won’t go away as you await death’s arrival."
I guess it's like anything else. There's value in learning what we can about the glacier, even if it is unstoppable. Knowing why we're ground down, knowing why we feel that pit in our stomachs can help us cope. Just knowing that what we're going through has a name -- anticipatory grieving -- reminds us we're not alone.
